FIDDLERS, QUIBBLERS AND PROFIT NIBBLERS

THE DIARY OF SWAPMEET PETE MAY 2005

As we all know, I’m a swapmeet dealer and proud of it, although my profession could be considered as just a couple of steps up from a barrow boy. As a market trader my social status is so low I could walk under a snake without taking my hat off. This business demands that you be bright and thick-skinned at the same time, which means having the hide of a rhinoceros, and being able to spell it too.

But beneath my tough exterior lurks a soft and vulnerable centre, and on a bad day it doesn’t take much to throw me off balance. Take the mail order arm of my operation. No please, take it! When I’m doing admin, one thing that’s guaranteed to cut me to the quick and ruin my morning is an enquiry saying “Why is the postage so expensive? Surely it’s just a stamp and a jiffy bag?” The implication is that I’m so under-worked that I have the time to enter into a protracted dialogue with someone who may only be spending 99p. Haven’t they ever bought a spare part for a washing machine and been charged £3.50 for shipping and handling? It’s a pity it has to be that way, but it’s part of the cost of the item. I’m upfront about my postage charges, so why do I get so many postage quibblers? Is it because I’m seen as a matey dealer rather than a faceless business?

It’s extra annoying when a buyer commits in the full knowledge of the P&P and complains afterwards. For anyone tempted to do this, don’t risk it! Instead read the following FAQs (Frequent Answers to Quibblers) and avoid being blacklisted forever.

First is the ‘I presume it will be first class post at that price’ comment. Well it’s not quite as simple as that, mate; you can have second class postage the day your cheque arrives, or first class two weeks later when your cheque has cleared. Which would you prefer?

Second up is complaining about the packing materials. One chap didn’t like having a second hand envelope. I pointed out that even a new envelope is second-hand by the time he gets it, so what’s the problem? Anyway, has he never heard of recycling? Re-using envelopes is one of my few contributions to the green movement, and many of my colleagues include me in their green audit. While we’re talking environment, another contribution to preserving fossil fuels and your kids’ lungs is me not tearing around attending swapmeets while I’m at home packing your parcel.

Next on the list is the customer who won’t let go. Having explained that there are fees to pay, costs of packing materials, time spent in admin, and that their 99p item may actually have cost more than that, and how the only profit is in the postage, and the price was quite clear when he agreed to the deal, and how he can still pull out if he wants, he says ‘I want to complete the transaction but I’m still not happy with the postage”. AAARGH!

Then there is the naïve buyer who doesn’t realise that leaving a ‘neutral’ feedback on the net is tantamount to a negative. They decide to put their ignorance on permanent record at the expense of my reputation, so you get something like; ‘Nice item, super deal, well packed, fast and efficient…but postage too expensive.’ Well thank you sir, how do you expect me to provide a service like that without an income?

Here is a postage quibbler challenge. Next time you receive an item try sending it back without using the packaging it came in. See how long it takes to source the right materials and get all the addresses and stamps in the right place. Then stand on it and drop kick it into a skip so it knows what to expect on its journey. Now go and wait in the queue at the post office (remember to fill in a certificate of posting) and email me confirmation when you get home. Then tell me your time isn’t worth 50p an hour.

One chap recently informed me that he wouldn’t be doing any more business with me as he doesn’t approve of people making a profit on postage. Quick as a flash I replied, ‘How do you know I’m making a profit when you don’t know how much I paid for the item?’ He didn’t answer that one.

Another geezer emailed from the States asking for a tracking number. I debated whether to explain that airmail doesn’t have tracking numbers unless you pay an extra twenty quid. Then I thought, “If he wants a number, give him a number”, and emailed back ‘SMP9771/28’, which is an algorithm based on my last year’s turnover.

Fortunately my days of dealing with packing are numbered. I need to refocus on my core function, which is unearthing fresh, exciting collectables. I considered outsourcing my orders to a call centre in India with an 0870 number, but then I had a better idea. I’m giving the job to Ray, my socially challenged assistant. Any future complaints should be addressed to the shipping department, ray@swapmeetpete.com, and if that’s not good enough, just be glad I didn’t put him in charge of customer service as well.

www.swapmeetpete.com